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3/26/2004 - INTERGALACTIC PLANETARY, PLANETARY INTERGALACTIC!
Just a minute, let me finish this song. ... Ok. God, the Beastie Boys know how to lay down phat beats, yo. Anyway. Tonight, Uncle Greg is going to tell you all a story. You all like stories, right? Good. A while ago, I'm sitting at home. Not doing much in particular, other than waiting for SNL to come on. It's night, only 11:30, but I'm already wired on caffeine. I'm jumping around, can't find any way to contain myself. Nothing to do right now. I sit down on my nearly broken couch. As I land, a great creak is heard. I nab the remote, and leisurely search through channels, knowing nothing is on. I always know what's on right before SNL, because that's when I'm bored. But I surf anyway. I decide that I'll watch a show that doesn't particularly interest me, on the game show channel. It's called "Greed". The way Greed works is, a bunch of people are selected, and they are a team. They get asked questions such as: "Which of these were in the top 5 most bought Jello flavors?" And then they'll give them 6-8 choices. Each member of the team has to pick one flavor of Jello that they believe is on the list. It's complicated. Oh, and you can win $1 mil. But that's not the point of the story. So I'm watching. And they run off the team members, give where they work, all that jazz, right? There's this one guy. Oh man. You have to see this guy. I don't remember his name, so we're all going to call him "Charles". Let me describe Charles to you. Imagine God Himself said one day, "I'm going to make a being capable of just ONE emotion, and see how that works out." That creaute turned out to be human, and that human turned out to be Charles. Imagine, if you will, the mold God used to make Charles. The Almighty filled that mold WITH LIQUID ARROGANCE. Charles thinks he's better than everyone. No, Charles KNOWS, FOR A FUCKING FACT that he is better than everyone. (To give you a mental image of ol' Charles, he had huge frizzy white hair, but not like Einstein's, no facial hair, and looked like someone on Saturday Night Live was trying to seem mysterious. He talks like that too. Almost like in an old west movie, but without the deepness in his voice.) I'm watching Greed, watching Charles. Eventually, I realize that I'm really getting into this, and I'm not caring that SNL has started. I just want to watch Greed, and get to know more about this Charles guy. Charles just pisses me off. The head of the team will consult the other members, and Charles will just give a sage nod, trying to look tough and mysterious. When asked the Jello question above, Charles answered, "Well, Mr. Woolery, I know that the answer is Blue Raspberry" (at this point he raises a single eyebrow)"...But does my team?" I spend more than an hour just making fun of Charles, saying the things that I'm saying here. Just...Oh, man. I can't even THINK about Charles. And then, Greed ended. It was 12:30, and SNL had been on for an hour. Yet, I still sat on the couch, channel unchanged. I realized that I was sad, because I knew that I would never be able to see Charles again, never go deeper into his narcissistic psyche, never knowing if he was actually a paid actor. And just before I came back to the real world, and watched the last part of Saturday Night Live, I thought to myself..."If it weren't for my horse..." (I'monna be doing more stories like this, prolly. Just one or two more. Then, you're gonna have to hunt to find 'em.) BRING IT ON IN TO OMMLETVILLE! //Greg::3:47 AM EST\ # | |
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